Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Yes, but it was never about money
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
How do dragons blow out candles?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?