Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.