Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.