Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You Might Also Like
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”