*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist