*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song