God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff