Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
RT if you could go either way.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.