Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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Velcrow
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge