My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)