Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
You Might Also Like
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.