Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
You Might Also Like
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”