I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
You Might Also Like
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that itās just the car dealershipās inflatable dancing tube man.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Lmao
i could never be president. im overqualified.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used ššššš ššššš all up
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Iām a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
āYou looked stressedā
Me: āThanks, itās probably all the stressā
If my girlfriend hired cheaters theyād just tell her āthe whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneezeā
I read today that there are people who donāt have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Iāve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think Iāll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why Iām not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Found a page in 14 year old meās journal in which I wrote āAnd the killer isā-.ā The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood theyāll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.