Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.