INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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Gross if literal…Liverpool
A bold strategy
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup