[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
scrabbled eggs
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
something like this could probably happen to anyone