Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
IT’S-A ME,
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”