Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us