Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out