Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here