9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Tremendous stuff
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not