Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
You Might Also Like
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.