Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party