Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.