*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.