Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.