Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp