Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Breaking news:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
ready to be harvested
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.