Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’d … I’d rather not.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.