Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide