“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
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* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
🤣😂
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.