Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying