Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude