[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter