Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.