[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.