“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking