5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
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When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
This took me a few seconds.. 😅