“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Need this in my life lol
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“what that mouth do?” complain
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*