Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
inside you are two wolves
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome