My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon