[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“what that mouth do?” complain
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.