India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Happy thanksgiving!
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.