marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
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Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it