Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon