I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
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Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”