My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
LOOOOOOL
Got ya covered
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well