living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
the red hot silly peppers
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes