I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
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[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I falcon love using swear birds
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
They grow up so quick
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.