Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
we’re gonna need another temp
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me